I have been in a funk for several weeks; not exercising or eating healthily. Chocolate, ice cream, cake and cookies are my best friends. I currently weigh the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I am sixty-two years old with osteo-arthritis in all the key places that support me: knees, spine, neck, wrists, foot, etc. This past Saturday, I reached the saturation point with my negative attitude about my Self, my Life and my overall situation. I was just sick of feeling like crap. My body felt like heavy weights held down every cell and muscle. I was tired all the time. I just couldn't get enough sleep, and I'm sure I was depressed. I was just sick of feeling sick.
I saw a post from my best friend on Facebook asking me about becoming a "Gramma". I didn't even realize I hadn't told her about it and felt terrible. I called her in Annapolis and spent two hours getting her special counselling. After our talk, I felt so much better and was ready for that night: a dinner at my sister's house to plan the upcoming baby shower. In a way I was not looking forward to it because I just wasn't feeling emotionally strong enough to cope with the powerful personalities of the women I loved who would be there. But, I was wrong about those women. I felt loved and connected.
It's very powerful what a negative attitude will do to one's mindset. My life has become much more isolated than it was, and that isolation only contributes to my ever-increasingly unhealthy thought processes. Getting them out and taking responsibility for them is so much better than holding them in so they can pollute me. Bringing them out into the light forces me to defend them or see them for what they really are: just thoughts I can change or relinquish at will. Easier said than done, I know, but very doable, if I so desire. And, I do.
Another of my sisters, who I usually receive as being very critical was in my mind uncharacteristically sensitive, talkative, and after yelling at her, very nurturing when I told her about how I was feeling. "I am in transition," I told her, "and I don't know what the next phase holds for me." I told her what an inspiration she is to me because she is in her prime right now; with all good and successful things happening to and for her. I am so happy for her, but she makes me look at where I am, what I'm not doing for myself, and feeling badly about it. This feeling made me realize once more how I make a lot of other people feel.
I have been told and took it to heart that I should be an example of health for those I love who are unhealthy. I am very healthy overall. I am only taking a cholesterol pill and nothing else but vitamins when I remember. But instead of supporting me and making me feel good about myself, most of those other people try to make me feel bad. I have sloughed off their negativity telling myself, "They just don't understand," or "They're just not ready," but truthfully, how they made me feel stuck inside me little by little over time, so that now I am weighed down by it instead of buoying myself up. I just can't do it alone. I need support. So I asked my sister for that and she was eager to help. It made me so happy to have her truly there for me for what seemed like the first time ever in our lives.
She committed to support me every day. I agreed to call or text her each day with my exercise plan for the day and she would share hers. The first day she called me on the way to work to discuss the plan as agreed, and it just made me happy to realize that she rarely initiated a phone call, and that our new commitment wasn't just a drunken empty promise. I felt lifted a little bit.
I started walking my Bichon. I walked him for two days, and when I got up this morning at 6:39am to let him and our Havanese female out to "do their business", instead of going back to bed, I got dressed, put on my iPOD earphones and went for what I texted her would be a four-mile walk alone. I ended up doing six miles, and was hurting when I got back. But, during that walk, I felt so happy and light. I haven't felt that in a while. I could pull in my stomach as I walked and felt what it might be like to have a flat one someday. I pulled myself up as tall as I could muster and dance-walked as much as possible. It was a glorious, sunny morning and I also sang along with the songs blasting in my ears.
When I got home and texted my sister what I had done, getting a "Good Job!" reply felt wonderful. She texted that I should remember to reward myself with something, so I made myself a smoothy. It was delicious. Thank you, Sistahs.
P.S. I also want to thank my cousin, Lynnie, in California, who inspires me with her fitness blogs, videos and her website. Each little boost from people I love is a really big help to getting me back on track. I love you all. This IS the next phase of my Life, and it is just the beginning.
Orange Cream Smoothy
1/4 c 1% "Smart" milk
1/2 c orange-pineapple juice
1/2 c plain 0% Greek yogurt
1 scoop soy protein powder
1 apple peeled
1/2 banana
1 tbls honey
Blend well and enjoy.
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