I need to say this to myself: "Happy Father's Day!" I also want to extend this sentiment to all the other mothers out there who filled two roles raising a child. I was both mother and father to my son. I used to celebrate both days for myself, but then I began to feel a little embarrassed. I stopped doing it when that self-consciousness set in. I didn't want everything to always be about Me.
Everything is not always about me. But, I must stop being in denial about my past. I was an unwed mother at age twenty. I chose to keep my child when others wanted me to get an abortion or give my son away to a good family. A good family was better than just me was what they meant. My son's pediatrician was one of those people. After my first year as a mother/father, he apologized to me. He also wrote a glowing recommendation letter for me two decades or more later when I thought I wanted to be a mentor for unwed mothers. I never followed through with that goal, but I really appreciated his kind words of support.
I was both mother and father. I gave birth, breast fed, and nurtured my son to the best of my ability. As he grew older, I got him involved in sports and other activities. I may not have been graceful in my efforts, and I made many mistakes. Some mistakes were huge! But, I tried. And I studied. And I read. And I attended classes and workshops. And I got therapy for me and for him..throughout our lives. I wanted to do the best job I could. Mostly, I wanted to dispel the theory that unwed mothers were not good enough to raise a healthy, productive child alone.
I also knew and recognized that having a father figure in my son's life was critical. So, I had boyfriends I loved and trusted who befriended him and spent time with him. I was and will always be grateful to them for their love and support. I made lots of mistakes, but I tried my best. I was a conscious parent. But, I came into the role with my own childhood pain. I was young and still needed to work through my issues. Unfortunately, I went through my pain and passed some of it onto my son. I will always regret those painful moments. I cannot say how sorry I am for those times.
But, I will never regret my decision to have my son. I loved him and taught him as best I could. I attended swim meets, baseball games, wrestling matches and football games. I sat alone in the bleachers in the cold with all the other fathers, and I didn't understand the game at all. I appreciate the patience they showed me when I asked lots of questions. It was a lonely time.
Happy Father's Day to Me! My son is a happily married, successful architect now, who owns his own home. I could not be a prouder parent if I tried. He is a good man. The mother/single woman in me taught him how to relate to women. I tried to give advice to him through the years from both a female and a male perspective as best I could. It was not easy, but I did it. I must take credit for it. For Me. I am proud of the job I did. I am grateful for the opportunity to be part of the life of the incredible person my son is. I am a proud parent. And, I am proud of my Self. I did it! I raised a good kid. I raised a great man. I deserve to celebrate both days. Just sayin'...
Lest I forget, I also want to thank my loving and supportive family, and my friends. Without their support and help, I could not have been a successful parent at all. Thank you all. I love you.
Friday, June 12, 2015
These are nagging questions that have not diminished with age. I remain disturbed by this fact. For me, the idea is greater than the action required to achieve the idea. I want to; I just don't. I do for a little while, and then I stop. I am easily swayed. I am vulnerable. I see these things as weakness, and then I feel badly: about my self, my resolve; my abilities. Then, I get out the "big stick"...
The stick really doesn't work on me. I know this. I try being patient and loving with my self. My thoughts turn to "I am lazy", rather than something more positive instead. Mind over matter.
I saw an add for hypnotherapy to deal with weight loss and a healthy lifestyle including exercise. I need this, but I feel silly getting hypnotized for these things. Hypnosis is for quitting smoking, right?
Our thoughts limit us. My thoughts turn to limits first. I am limited by my thoughts. I am a limitless being limiting my Self. I must stop. I am greater than these little thoughts that have big repercussions. So, what is holding me back? I am turning sixty-six, and I am still wrestling with the same demons of my youth. The core demons. It's time to vanquish them. But what will it take to accomplish their demise? What will it take?
Monday, June 1, 2015
|After smudging for the first time.|
- I will take Self-Love to heart once and for all. I will begin my morning by looking in the mirror and bowing to myself to honor my Spirit and give myself the respect I always try to offer to others.
- I will take the time to prepare healthy foods. I learned to love breakfast Japanese-style. This past weekend I made Miso soup with vegetables, and roasted a big pan of vegetables to eat this week. This morning, I ate some soup, roasted vegetables, smoked salmon and a spear of fresh pineapple. It was a delicious new way to begin the day. I will practice more hydration consciousness too.
- I forced myself to drop into my local gym and say hello to my trainer. I have an appointment this afternoon. I have not exercised, except yard work, for two months. All the toning in my arms to eliminate my "bat wings" is gone. I don't like seeing those wings. They make me feel older than I feel inside. I am back on that wagon.
- My sister invited me to join her and our friend in doing "The Five Tibetan Rites": a 2,500-year-old group of exercises/poses purported to result in more vitality and good health. I just searched for it, and will investigate further. My goal is to make an appointment with myself each day (when I don't go to the gym for weight-lifting with my trainer), that I will put in my calendar, go down to my family room, light a candle and exercise in some form to music. I will also try to walk at least 3,000 steps each day while carrying my step counter. I was inspired once again by our Japanese friend, who is 85-years-old and does this every day.
- I will take at least ten minutes each day to just sit quietly and be still.
- I will begin to purge/eliminate our voluminous myriad of "stuff". I now have two friends who succeeded in ridding their lives of all the stuff, and downsized. This downsizing keeps coming up for me/us, so I want to work in that direction for when we decide to do the same: downsize our lives. Less is more. Less feels lighter. Less stuff=less stress. I will order the book, "the life-changing magic of tidying up" by Marie Kondo. Interestingly, she is Japanese, and has a new philosophy to approaching the purge. I will start with this book and move forward.
|My guiding "planet"|
|I love Irises|