The day before leap-year-day, Larry and I took Jackson and Mattie Grace for a long walk in Weetamoo Woods here in Tiverton. The East Road entrance is about a half-mile past Gray's Ice Cream. We are making a point of touring local sites, and trying new (for us) local restaurants to get a better "feel" for where we retired. What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon!
We took a short trip to Bristol for a little shopping, then we ate at The Beehive Restaurant at the recommendation of my trainer. It's a small place on Franklin Street that serves mostly breakfast and lunch. It does serve limited dinner on specific days too though. Larry got a delicious meatloaf sandwich and I had a salmon BLT, both on flax toast. We shared a curried spinach soup, and each sandwich came with a small, "dressed" salad. They were really very good, but pricey. The desserts were recommended and looked really delicious in the case, but I ran out of there before succumbing to temptation. I settled instead for a small, non-fat caramel latte to go. It was really, really good...tastier than Starbucks; so creamy and sweet.
Once we got home, we grabbed the pups and headed to woods. There's something different about walking in the woods versus walking along the beach that I just love. Once you are enveloped by trees, babbling brooks and silence, I love just hearing the sounds of our footsteps on leaves and birdsong in the air.
Winter can be just as lovely there as other times, but our uncharacteristic winter did not spare us from ticks. Larry found one crawling on his laptop keyboard while the pups sat on his lap after we got home. Consequently, both pups were dowsed with Frontline and got their heartworm pills. Whatever it takes to remind me works just fine.
There were old stone walls throughout the woods. I love them. These acres must once have been farmland whose territorial boundaries the walls delineate. Now, they are grown over with trees, shrub and vine, but never lose their beauty, even when falling apart. The stone walls around here remind me of those on Martha's Vineyard. I love the way they make me feel safe and grounded. And I love appreciating the way they hold the history of a place.
There was an old saw mill that has been gone for many years, but the ruins remain along with human's ingenious talent for making arched-bridges over running water. The little arches in these woods reminded me of the same style of arch formation that support Echo Bridge in my hometown of Newton Upper Falls, Massachusetts. They are really beautiful, and leave me feeling in awe of raw human talent and ingenuity. More beauty of winter woods lies in the moss and lichen growing on everything. Looking at all this growth reminds me of when I went scuba diving in Aruba and saw all the sea-life growing on submerged sailing ship lines and masts. Nature will just take over when humans and done playing. This IS the "Circle of Life". We just have to learn to live with it instead of trying to control it all the time. I have learned to fully appreciate its beauty and am grateful to have it all so close by our home.
Tree Ribbon Sculpture
I also love to look at bark on different trees. There are lichen and moss-covered tree trunks, and bare trunks revealing lovely markings underneath. Some look like Jackson's "cow spots" on skin that can only be seen when he gets his short "spring" cut. God is an incredible artist with an unlimited pallet.
My favorte part of "winter into spring" season is all the new growth peaking up through dead leaves and branches. The green birth of new plants gives me a loving feeling of "New Beginnings" in my heart every year. I am so grateful for the opportunity of so many beautiful landscapes to walk through. Their beauty never ceases to amaze and move me.
How does this happen? I had such a great beginning of the week: so full of energy and feeling good. Yesterday and today I feel like crap. I'm exhausted and my knees are killing me, despite getting both acupuncture and chiropractic treatments on them and the rest of me. I'm doing everything right: eating well and exercising regularly. I don't get it.
Everyone says I need to rest for my muscles to heal. I get that. But, then I get nervous that if I stop exercising, I won't go back to it. I told my chiropractor as much this morning. He said I needed to rest. The older we get, the harder it is for our bodies to repair and restore themselves. Just rest. So I am. I'm feeling guilty, but my knees are reminding me to stop. I rescheduled my personal trainer appointment for tomorrow at 11 a.m.
It is also amazing that when I don't feel well or energized, depressing thoughts invade my mind. These thoughts bring me down even more and make me think I'm depressed. I know I'm not. I just need to push those "stinkin'" thoughts out of my head. These days when I see a baby or a happy grandmother, I cry. It doesn't last long, and I thought I'd be over this by now, but I'm not. So be it.
I know I'll feel better tomorrow. The sun is shining now after the fog and rain this morning. So, I'll cook swordfish for supper and hope for a better night.
"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all." Poor Whitney Houston sang this song like an angel, but just didn't take those words in. I can relate to her plight. I'm sure lots of us can. Oh, we like ourselves, and we tell ourselves we love our Selves, but our behavior doesn't necessarily demonstrate that love. We abuse our bodies with food, drink, sweets, smoke and several other things I could name but won't.. We make time for everyone else before we give ourselves equal time. We take care of anyone else before we care for our own body, mind or spirit. I know I always have. But, today I fully realized I am finally living that lovely song.
This is the first time I actually believe I am changing my lifestyle from one of self-abuse to one of self-love. I feel it in the way I choose to eat and drink. I am choosing healthier foods, drinking enough water daily, and drinking way less alcohol than I used to. I'm not smoking anything these days because my ability to reach those high notes feels so much more important than numbing my mind and heart by getting high. I am feeling my feelings, and crying when I need to. But my sadness does not overcome me.
I feel angry sometimes, but with the help of my Chakra class, I am learning to express it in a responsible way, so I can let it go sooner than I used to. I always either lashed out in hurtful ways, or stuffed my anger down and let it fester inside me. At some point, it came out in ways that had nothing to do with what made me angry in the first place. I still need work on this one, but I'm getting there...slowly. The point is that I am learning. I keep trying. I continue the process of self-awareness, and really believe I am more conscious about my choices. Being "conscious" is very important to me. I choose to take responsibility for my own thoughts, words and actions rather than blame others. Blaming doesn't help anyone.
My knees have been cracking like crazy lately, so I bought some "Joint Juice" (liquid Glucosomine and Chondroitin, advertised by Joe Montana) at Target. My chiropractor says I need more lubrication in my knees, so I hope this juice will help over time. I discovered that if I have to take pills more than once a day, I just won't remember to do it. I used to take Glucosomine and Chondroitin tablets, but never took it as often as was required, so I didn't derive their purported benefits. "Trader Joe's" had pills I could take once a day, but I didn't keep it up. I tried a liquid version I found at Shaw's Supermarket one day, and didn't keep that up either. But, now the osteo-arthritis in my knees is progressing to a new place, and I am determined to slow its progression. I hope the juice will help. Because I'm drinking the juice, I'm more devoted to taking my multivitamin, calcium and Omega-3 pills on a daily basis. I'm still not taking them every day, but I am on most days. This is progress for me.
And, my weekly exercise is becoming routine. I go to the gym twice a week; lifting weights and using their treadmill for thirty minutes afterwards. Lately, I've been using the elliptical machine and finding I can burn off more calories and get my heart rate up higher in twenty minutes than I can in thirty on the treadmill. I used to avoid this machine because it was too hard. Now I choose it first. I am meeting very nice, local people, and we support each other. "Good job today. Thanks so much. You too!" That's also progress.
When I'm not at the gym, I briskly walk four miles in my beautiful south coast neighborhood. Not only do these walks help my knees and my heart, they soothe my mind and fill my spirit with the beauty of nature. I love my "critter" friends, and these walks bring me great joy. I spend at least two hours a day, five days a week exercising. By Friday, my knees are screaming at me to stop, so I do. I take Friday and Saturday off in general to rest them. By Sunday, they are ready for their walk again. This routine has become very comforting, because I finally have one.
When I was working, having a routine was something I could count on, but I was unhappy. That routine was about supporting myself financially, and I had no choice in the matter. Being retired now, I have many more choices and more time to find out what they are and if I want to make them. Spending two hours a day exercising at something, has become well worth the time and the effort. I look forward to it. I have never been able to say this before. More progress.
Singing in the community chorus has also become a great joy. The music we create moves me to tears sometimes. I am again meeting nice, local people, and look forward to it each week. I am learning to read music again, and I find this incredibly challenging. Simultaneous focusing is very difficult, but is getting a little easier at each rehearsal. I am exercising my brain, and that also feels good. Progress.
I always believed I loved my Self. But, I know now that for the most part, I was fooling myself into believing it. Now, I feel it. I do love myself. I love my Self as much, if not more, than I love my family and my good friends. I am once again choosing Me over them. I don't see this choice as a negative, selfish one, but a necessary one for my own survival. I am the only one I will be with for the entirety of my life. Just Me. If I am not happy and content, nobody will be happy being in my company. If I don't give to myself, I have nothing to give anyone else. If I don't love myself, how can I possibly be lovable to anyone else or be free to receive their love. I need to know what Love is first.
Life is so interesting. So is learning to Love. Great Love is bigger than we can even take in or comprehend. Unconditional Love is the hardest Love to live. But learning to Love unconditionally is by far the most rewarding. I consider my Self a student of Unconditional Love. I learn more about this Love every day. Every time I let go of judgement or criticism, I am learning to love. I realize that when I judge or criticize another, I am really doing it to my Self. Enough already. The Catholic Church may tell me I am unworthy, but I refuse to say those words now. I am worthy. Just like the commercials say for Preference by Loreal color I use on my hair, "I'm worth it."
God bless you, Whitney. Thank you for your beautiful voice and for bringing us inspiration and joy. I pray you will be at peace now, and have found that love of your Self in Heavenly arms. Happy "Love" Day, everyone. Celebrate You tomorrow.
It was twenty-eight degrees outside this morning, but I layered up and hit the road for a good walk in the sunshine. I slacked off over the last two days and have been feeling a little guilty. On the upside, my knees felt good, so I was more motivated to get out there; cold and all. It was great to be outside. I keep forgetting how nice it is. I walk and wave at passing drivers who wave back at me. It's a friendly area, and so beautiful. I said hello to my horse friend, and met a new friend, Mr. Sheep. He came to meet me for the first time ever. Although it is early February in New England, Mother Nature thinks it is early spring. I don't care what Punxsutawney Phil said, the bulbs are popping up, and the robins are showing up. It's a very strange feeling. I like the warmer weather, but I just can't help feeling the snowshoe will hit us sometime soon. There's no evidence of this from the weather reports, but I just can't help feeling this weather just ain't right.
Snowdrops
Skunk Cabbage
As I walked and listened to Jennifer Nettles sing about dreams, I thought about my lost grandbaby boys, Aidan and Owen, and shed a few tears. I miss them so much today. Superbowl Sunday is about the boys. It's about rough-housing boys, loud-yelling boys, and back-slapping; butt-tapping boys. After feeling the sadness of their loss, I decided to stop lamenting. Instead, I thought about them sitting in Heaven with their Great Grampy and Uncle Paul, sitting on bleachers made of fluffy clouds. They are wearing their Patriots jerseys, eating hot dogs, and yelling in support of their family's favorite football team. I wish they could be here with us in body instead of in spirit. The thought of them being with us at all, though, made that little piece of my broken heart sing again. Go Pats! I can hear you, boys. Can you hear us? We love you.
When I left the gym the other day, the owner asked me if I was losing weight. I said I didn't know because my scale is broken. He said, "Well, it looks like you've lost an inch or two."
That was the right thing to say to me that day. I've been fighting discouragement with exercising, but have in fact noticed that I am a tad smaller also. I feel a little stronger too. I laughed at myself because I was flexing in the bathroom. No muscles popping up on my biceps yet, but I feel better. My muscles are very sore, and it's hard to stretch them out. A therapeutic massage on Friday worked for a little while, but that night, I was sore all over again. My knees have been crying, but I just keep moving them, go to the chiropractor, take pain relievers when necessary, and use BioFreeze now and then. I know that when I build up the muscles that support them, they will get to spell "r-e-l-i-e-f".
I'm better today, but feel guilty that I didn't get a walk in. I took yesterday off because my knees were sore and I was tired. I'll make up for it tomorrow. I am very aware of making sure I at least exercise five to six days out of seven. So far, I have been successful. And, I am eating very well. I plan to renew my training sessions, and actually like going. This is a huge milestone overcome. I feel proud of myself tonight.
At my last chorus rehearsal, I found out that Melissa, the pianist who accompanies our group, also works for Opera Providence. She was performing at the Blithewold Mansion in Bristol, RI this past weekend. I suggested it might be a fun way to spend Sunday afternoon, so Larry secured two of the last four seats available. What a great day!
After spending the morning in Providence with my youngest sister, Colleen, watching her youngest daughter, Kelly, perform at a very impressive cheerleading competition at the Convention Center, I got home in time to change into something a little fancy, and head to Bristol with Larry. Neither of us had ever been to the Blithewold Mansion, but it has been on our "list". Checking it off that list, along with getting my very first opera experience, was really exciting.
Before the "Three Tenors" concert, we were treated to fancy cookies and beverages of our choice. We had champagne, because how fun is that! I've never had champagne on a Sunday afternoon, schmoozing with the Providence opera crowd in a lovely historic dining room. We strolled through the rose garden, laying dormant until it comes to life in spring, on our way to the house. I can't wait to go back and see the grounds in full bloom. We were formally greeted by very friendly women, who took my coat and guided us to the dining room, assuring us we'd be informed when the concert started.
The dining room was just lovely with a gorgeous view of Narragansett Bay. This was a summer cottage, as are all the mansions here and in Newport of the state's historic "rich and famous". It is very small compared to those on Bellevue Avenue in Newport, but stunning all the same. The dining rooms' walls were covered in intricately carved wood. Larry thinks it was walnut. The dining table was in the center of the room, set with gorgeous, flowered dishes and matching serving pieces. Each place-setting had a pretty little green-glass wine glass with polished silver cutlery. And, every setting was laid on a lovely cream-colored antique lace placemat with matching napkin. There was a beautiful built-in hutch, and other pretty wood furniture pieces in the room. The plate shelf near the cream-colored ornate ceiling was lined with a beautiful blue-flowered ceramic vase and dish collection. In one corner, was a glass-front hutch with another collection of dishes and glasses; some labeled as brands from England. There was also a lovely fireplace on one wall with an old painting of a woman over it, that looked built-in as well. The painting's colors were dark, and Larry commented that it probably needed cleaning. It was a lovely room with window seats on either end, and the people there were very nice.
When the concert was ready to begin, we were ushered into the living room at the opposite end of the house. It was an all-cream-colored room (walls and ceiling; window treatments and fireplace), with wood furniture, adornments, including an old sailing ship on top of one cabinet, and a gold-framed mirror over the fireplace mantle. There were about eighty chairs set up "audience-style" in front of a wall of windows on two sides: one faced the Bay; the other a covered patio. There were large stone patios on two sides of the house we saw through the windows. On the way to the living room, we passed a billiard room, that was dark and manly-looking, with another model of an old sailing ship owned by Augustus Van Wickle, the original owner. On the other side of the hallway, was a very small "telephone" room. After watching the PBS show, Downton Abbey, and seeing their first experience with telephones, I was charmed to view an actual room just for using this technological wonder-of-the-day.
The tenors' voices were marvelous. My favorite tenor was Giovanni Formisano. His voice was very strong and he was very Italian. Bellisimo! We also enjoyed Ethan Bremner, who gave me my first "Pretty Woman" experience. Remember that scene in the movie, when Julie Roberts' character was dressed in that tight red gown with that gorgeous ruby necklace and sat in the opera-house box? The song that was sung, made her gasp and choke and cry with its beauty. I recognized this song as the last one of the program, sung by all three tenors: "Nessun dorma" from Turandot (music by Giacomo Puccini). Well, Mr. Bremner made me choke and cry with his rendition of "Amor ti vieta" from Fedora (music by Umperto Giordano). I couldn't believe it. It was pure magic. I felt like "Pretty Woman" in that moment, and jumped to applause when he was done, yelling, "Bravo!" I felt like I was in a movie.
Most of the concert, I just closed my eyes and drank in the music. Melissa's performance was magnificent. The music she played was so hard! I watched her hands and her perfect posture at the old, tinny-sounding piano, and was in awe of her talent. I can't wait to see her at chorus on Thursday night and tell her. Larry and I both left there feeling a new urge to experience opera, and look forward to attending the next Opera Providence concert. The next one will feature the music of Gilbert and Sullivan; Larry's favorite.
Sunset on the Bay painted a gorgeous red and orange sky at the end of the concert, and the entire afternoon was the perfect date. But our date wasn't over yet, because we had a delicious dinner at a restaurant we haven't experienced yet: Le Central. The local oysters were delicious. We enjoyed a lovely Barroso shiraz bottle of wine. He had pork ossobucco, and I had the lightest fried hake I've ever eaten. All the vegetables were perfectly cooked, and it was one of the most flavorful, delicious meals we've eaten so far. The restaurant's ambiance was quiet and we left with a huge smile on our stuffed faces.
It was by far the nicest date we've had in a very long time.
Breaking old patterns is hard. Learning new lifestyle behaviours and sticking to them is harder. Nothing is impossible, but that "ole stinkin' thinkin'" is very powerful. So is guilt. I was raised Catholic, so guilt has a strong hold on me. I fight it every day, but that string hangs tough to my psyche. It goes way back.
I have been working hard to exercise most every day, and I eat healthily much of the time. But, my addiction is sugar and chocolate. It IS an addiction. My sister says, "Just stop it!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah", I say. "I know you're right." But, I have to choose in the moment my addiction kicks in. I choose. Not her. Not anyone else. Me. This past weekend I chose my addiction over fruit every time I wanted "something". It ain't easy.
Guilt makes me feel like such a whimp. My sister is fighting cancer for God's sake. If she can do that, I certainly can choose fruit instead of 60% dark chocolate chips on my fat-free vanilla frozen yogurt. One scoop with a few chips would be better than three with lots of chips, that's for sure. But, maybe for right now, I should just forgo the latter all together, and choose the ever-darkening pear sitting in my fruit bowl instead. I can't eat just one chip. Some days, like these days, it is just too hard. Others are much easier. Just not today.
So, learning from my Al-Anon classes, I must choose differently. It isn't so bad. Fruit is healthy, right? And, it tastes good. I know it ain't chocolate, but what is? For now, I will choose the fruit. I will "Just do it!" Thanks, Sistah. I'm off for my walk now.
Once we got home, we grabbed the pups and headed to woods. There's something different about walking in the woods versus walking along the beach that I just love. Once you are enveloped by trees, babbling brooks and silence, I love just hearing the sounds of our footsteps on leaves and birdsong in the air.
There was an old saw mill that has been gone for many years, but the ruins remain along with human's ingenious talent for making arched-bridges over running water. The little arches in these woods reminded me of the same style of arch formation that support Echo Bridge in my hometown of Newton Upper Falls, Massachusetts. They are really beautiful, and leave me feeling in awe of raw human talent and ingenuity. 
More beauty of winter woods lies in the moss and lichen growing on everything. Looking at all this growth reminds me of when I went scuba diving in Aruba and saw all the sea-life growing on submerged sailing ship lines and masts. Nature will just take over when humans and done playing. This IS the "Circle of Life". We just have to learn to live with it instead of trying to control it all the time. I have learned to fully appreciate its beauty and am grateful to have it all so close by our home.
My favorte part of "winter into spring" season is all the new growth peaking up through dead leaves and branches. The green birth of new plants gives me a loving feeling of "New Beginnings" in my heart every year. I am so grateful for the opportunity of so many beautiful landscapes to walk through. Their beauty never ceases to amaze and move me.
