Happy "Love" Day!

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all." Poor Whitney Houston sang this song like an angel, but just didn't take those words in. I can relate to her plight. I'm sure lots of us can. Oh, we like ourselves, and we tell ourselves we love our Selves, but our behavior doesn't necessarily demonstrate that love. We abuse our bodies with food, drink, sweets, smoke and several other things I could name but won't.. We make time for everyone else before we give ourselves equal time. We take care of anyone else before we care for our own body, mind or spirit. I know I always have. But, today I fully realized I am finally living that lovely song.

This is the first time I actually believe I am changing my lifestyle from one of self-abuse to one of self-love. I feel it in the way I choose to eat and drink. I am choosing healthier foods, drinking enough water daily, and drinking way less alcohol than I used to. I'm not smoking anything these days because my ability to reach those high notes feels so much more important than numbing my mind and heart by getting high. I am feeling my feelings, and crying when I need to. But my sadness does not overcome me.

I feel angry sometimes, but with the help of my Chakra class, I am learning to express it in a responsible way, so I can let it go sooner than I used to. I always either lashed out in hurtful ways, or stuffed my anger down and let it fester inside me. At some point,  it came out in ways that had nothing to do with what made me angry in the first place. I still need work on this one, but I'm getting there...slowly. The point is that I am learning. I keep trying. I continue the process of self-awareness, and really believe I am more conscious about my choices. Being "conscious" is very important to me. I choose to take responsibility for my own thoughts, words and actions rather than blame others. Blaming doesn't help anyone.

My knees have been cracking like crazy lately, so I bought some "Joint Juice" (liquid Glucosomine and Chondroitin, advertised by Joe Montana) at Target. My chiropractor says I need more lubrication in my knees, so I hope this juice will help over time. I discovered that if I have to take pills more than once a day, I just won't remember to do it. I used to take Glucosomine and Chondroitin tablets, but never took it as often as was required, so I didn't derive their purported benefits. "Trader Joe's" had pills I could take once a day, but I didn't keep it up. I tried a liquid version I found at Shaw's Supermarket one day, and didn't keep that up either. But, now the osteo-arthritis in my knees is progressing to a new place, and I am determined to slow its progression. I hope the juice will help. Because I'm drinking the juice, I'm more devoted to taking my multivitamin, calcium and Omega-3 pills on a daily basis. I'm still not taking them every day, but I am on most days. This is progress for me.

And, my weekly exercise is becoming routine. I go to the gym twice a week; lifting weights and using their treadmill for thirty minutes afterwards. Lately, I've been using the elliptical machine and finding I can burn off more calories and get my heart rate up higher in twenty minutes than I can in thirty on the treadmill. I used to avoid this machine because it was too hard. Now I choose it first. I am meeting very nice, local people, and we support each other. "Good job today. Thanks so much. You too!" That's also progress.

When I'm not at the gym, I briskly walk four miles in my beautiful south coast neighborhood. Not only do these walks help my knees and my heart, they soothe my mind and fill my spirit with the beauty of nature. I love my "critter" friends, and these walks bring me great joy. I spend at least two hours a day, five days a week exercising. By Friday, my knees are screaming at me to stop, so I do. I take Friday and Saturday off in general to rest them. By Sunday, they are ready for their walk again. This routine has become very comforting, because I finally have one.

When I was working, having a routine was something I could count on, but I was unhappy. That routine was about supporting myself financially, and I had no choice in the matter. Being retired now, I have many more choices and more time to find out what they are and if I want to make them. Spending two hours a day exercising at something, has become well worth the time and the effort. I look forward to it. I have never been able to say this before. More progress.

Singing in the community chorus has also become a great joy. The music we create moves me to tears sometimes. I am again meeting nice, local people, and look forward to it each week. I am learning to read music again, and I find this incredibly challenging. Simultaneous focusing is very difficult, but is getting a little easier at each rehearsal. I am exercising my brain, and that also feels good. Progress.

I always believed I loved my Self. But, I know now that for the most part, I was fooling myself into believing it. Now, I feel it. I do love myself. I love my Self as much, if not more, than I love my family and my good friends. I am once again choosing Me over them. I don't see this choice as a negative, selfish one, but a necessary one for my own survival. I am the only one I will be with for the entirety of my life. Just Me. If I am not happy and content, nobody will be happy being in my company. If I don't give to myself, I have nothing to give anyone else. If I don't love myself, how can I possibly be lovable to anyone else or be free to receive their love. I need to know what Love is first.

Life is so interesting. So is learning to Love. Great Love is bigger than we can even take in or comprehend. Unconditional Love is the hardest Love to live. But learning to Love unconditionally is by far the most rewarding. I consider my Self a student of Unconditional Love. I learn more about this Love every day. Every time I let go of judgement or criticism, I am learning to love. I realize that when I judge or criticize another, I am really doing it to my Self. Enough already. The Catholic Church may tell me I am unworthy, but I refuse to say those words now. I am worthy. Just like the commercials say for Preference by Loreal color I use on my hair, "I'm worth it."

God bless you, Whitney. Thank you for your beautiful voice and for bringing us inspiration and joy. I pray you will be at peace now, and have found that love of your Self in Heavenly arms. Happy "Love" Day, everyone. Celebrate You tomorrow.