"Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?"

Today was my third session with Eric, the personal trainer. My body has been feeling a little sore, but not anything I can't stretch out. After today, I may be hurting a little bit more. He added more weight and reps to my sessions, and always asks, "How does that feel?" It feels great.

I look in the mirror, and I feel strong. I ignore the roll around my middle and the flab hanging under my triceps. Instead I focus on my  little bulging biceps that I see as being solid; making my arms so much more useful. That they aren't there yet is irrelevant at this point. That I can visualize how they can look, is. I'm not looking for bulging muscles by any means. I just want to be toned, and stronger.  I want to reduce that hanging flab under my arms, so that in the warm weather when I prop my elbow on the passenger side window of our truck, I won't have to look in the side mirror anymore and say, "Who's old-lady arm is that? Not mine. It can't be." But it is.

When I sat on the machines that tone the inside and outside of my thighs, I remembered how that bulge just below my hip on my upper outside thigh was less after four years working out at Curves. I visualized those bumps being gone and a smoother line from my hip down my outside thigh. I also imagined my entire leg being more toned, so that my knees fit together more closely when I put my feet together. My whole life I had skinny legs. I don't even recognize my legs anymore. When Eric added ten more pounds, I felt good about it. I forgot how much I like feeling stronger. It was a huge confidence boost.

When I was making appointments with Eric for next week's workouts, I mentioned that I wanted to try to get Larry to join me in Tai Chi next Monday morning. The owner of the place, Steve, immediately told me that a Tai Chi class was just starting next door. That he provided that class, and I could just drop in and see if I liked it. The woman he was working with affirmed that Paul, the instructor, was great and I wouldn't regret going. So I did. It was wonderful. I got stretched out, calmed down, learned that I have a "natural stance" which really boosted my ego, and I met a few very nice people. I signed up for ten classes.

After a difficult couple of years, I am once again thinking about how hard my body works for me, and beginning to treat it with the respect it deserves. By respecting my body, instead of abusing it, I am also showing more respect for my Self. I do not respect myself as much as I respect other people. I do not treat myself honorably. I can be my own worst enemy. For once, I am becoming my own best friend. I am honoring who I truly am inside, by working on the outside. I am making a shift in my mind to change my lifestyle just enough to feel good about myself. I am not a purist by any means. I like my wine and martinis, and can't live without chocolate. But, I am learning to control the portions I eat and drink. Like everything else in my life, this control is also a process. I get that...finally.

And, not only do I acknowledge that I get it; I am finally acting on it. I am investing in it. I feel a little guilty about the money I am spending all at once on my trainer, the Tai Chi class, the chakra class and all my alternative medicine people that aren't covered by insurance. But, I said a prayer on the way out of Four Corners Fitness this morning: "Dear God, please send me all the money I need to do the things that will make me healthy and happy. Amen." I have proven to myself over time, that if I just believe I will get what I need, I will. And, I have. I just believe it and dive in.