I feel different this holiday season.

Me in Chorus last Christmas

Me as Mrs. Claus

This holiday season is usually uplifting for my Spirit. This year, I'm not feeling the lift as much. I'm not sure why. I really don't think it was the election results, as my husband suspects. I just feel heavy. I quit the Chorus this season for the first time at Christmas. I'll go back in the spring. My heart just wasn't in it this year. I wasn't doing the work, so I paid attention to that behavior and sat in the audience instead. It was a beautiful concert, and really helped to lift my Spirit a bit. I loved watching my friends' faces while they sang. One of the sopranos was even dancing...just like I do. I loved it. It was a good start to my Spiritual shift.

Yesterday, I baked my Grandmother's oatmeal rolls and some Tollhouse Cookies. This morning I baked sugar cookies with red and green sprinkles. They taste delicious. I hope the rolls do. I always worry about burning them or drying them out. I haven't made them in years. Everything gets lost when you don't do it or use it, even baking. It feels good to be done with preparations for the Family Christmas party later today. I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone and being festive.

All my shopping is done. I'm keeping it lean this year. I have always over-shopped. I just didn't feel like it. I didn't even want a real tree. I didn't want the work of cleaning up dead needles later. I just pulled out the table-top fake tree, and with my little ceramic trees and a tree-smelling candle, it's enough. I also have a lit wreath on my balcony. My house is festive, just not as much as usual.

Brutha Jimmy

Maybe that's the point. The usual way I have always celebrated the holidays just feels too much. I am tired. I just don't want to do all that work. I did enough, though. I force myself to do what my inner voice says I'm too tired to do. And, when I'm done, I'm happy I did it. "Fake it 'til you make it." That's my motto this season. I don't know why. I guess it doesn't matter. It just is. And, that's okay.

Sistah Mere

If you're feeling heavied out this season, too, I'm not alone. Thanks. I plan to spend today doing a lot of smiling, laughing, eating, drinking, playing and holding my Grandbaby. I can't think of a better way to spend a day. I hope you get at least one day like this before the year's end. I know I'll get at least one more. If not then just smile at a stranger without expectation. Even if they don't respond, which would surprise me (but there are a few like that), they will pass that smile onto someone else. You just won't know about it. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself.  Something inside will shift. You will lighten up just a little. I do, but then, I can be pretty silly sometimes. Silly is a good thing. Try it. You may like it.

Photo by Suzanne Szetela

I wish us all a happy, healthy, very special Holiday Season. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and happy Winter Solstice. Whatever you celebrate at year's end, I hope it lifts your Spirit. When your Spirit is light, it helps light the World. Our world could use a lot more Light. Let's light her up, Y'all!
"God bless us everyone."

Bad Moms

I saw the movie, Bad Moms, last night. It was just hilarious! My sister-in-law thought it was just "ok". When I heard that, I thought, "Hmm," now I can't wait to see what she didn't like about it. Throughout the movie, I kept saying to my friend, "Oh she wouldn't have liked this," and, "she wouldn't have liked that!" I guess unless you've been a Bad Mom, there's no way you could relate to this movie, or even catch the humor in some of its references like when Amy, played by Mila Kunis, is laying on the couch feeling sorry for her self because her whole family left her and she felt like such a Bad Mom. Her two friends come in to get her ass off that couch, and Carla, played by Kathryn Hahn, says, "Get your tits up off that couch, turn off "Twelve Years a Slave", and get to that auditorium!" I am paraphrasing here, but that movie reference was priceless! What mother hasn't felt like a slave to their family's needs at some point? Especially, if that mother is trying her best to be the best mother she can be, which essentially means a "Super Woman".

The movie is wild, honest, crass, and full of humor. We belly-laughed many times before the credits rolled. By the way, wait for the credits, because one of the best parts comes during them. I was a Bad Mom. Being a Bad Mom really means trying to do it all, and never being very successful at all of it. That was me. I tried my hardest to be a good mom, but sometimes my failures still haunt me. I know what they were, and now I just force myself to get my tits up off the couch and move on!

As a side note, Christina Applegate and Jada Pinkett Smith played characters I've never seen them do before. It was interesting to watch.

Father's Day

My Dad and My Son

Happy Father's Day! I love that our society created holidays to celebrate the humans' need to emote and express with Joy. It is always important to acknowledge and celebrate Love. I love my father. I love that my son is a new father. I love that he got a father to love in adulthood. I love that my husband became a father and a grandfather through me. I love that I fulfilled my fatherly role to the best of my ability. Not only did I bear and raise a child, I was the father substitute for my siblings growing up. Fathers rock!

Fathers also have a bad rep. There are men who seeded children who are not fathers. There are fathers who never learned how to Love. There are angry, bitter fathers. But, there are also fathers who weren't allowed to try. And, there are fathers who prefer just not to know. They are detached.

Fatherhood is important. Fatherly Love is critical, like Motherly Love. In an ideal world, both are required to raise healthy children. When one man and one woman are not possible or desired, the roles should nevertheless be maintained at some reasonable level. The roles being preserved should be respected and make a positive difference in a young Life. Fathers matter. Have you heard Kelly Clarkson's new song, Piece by Piece? Her last American Idol performance as the first season winner fourteen years ago will make you cry. She sings about her father and her husband. It is a very powerful song about fathers and men. I love that it reached number one on the charts.

Fatherhood is necessary. Human beings are masculine and feminine. We have combined genes from our mothers and our fathers. We are social beings who need Connection, Acceptance and Love. We need Fathers as much as we need Mothers. Sometimes it does take a Village to raise a child. I bought Hillary's book on the subject way back in 1996. Family matters. Family is the social network in which we live and hopefully thrive. In a good way. Families vary in size and structure. Sometimes in society, we try to put round family pegs into square societal holes. Differences are important. We are all different. Viva la difference!

Parents are required. Parenting, mentoring, and guidance are needed. They are also extremely hard to Live. They are difficult to practice. It is one thing to think and believe a behavior, and another to do it. Especially if your goal is to do it well and with a positive effect. If a parent makes a mistake or misbehaves, they must try again and strive to be better. There is no handbook on how to parent. Everybody is different. Every situation is different.There are common denominators, but many other variables affecting any given situation.

Forgiveness is required. Sometimes, we must forgive a parent, a child or ourselves. Self forgiveness can be the most difficult. But it is important to persevere, so Love can survive and thrive. Love will survive. And, Love will overcome fear. Fathers and Mothers teach Love. They demonstrate Love. Hopefully, we all strive to learn to love Unconditionally. This is the most difficult Love of all to Live. Unconditional Love is possible. Does one love a dog or cat unconditionally? Why would a person deserve any less Love than a beloved pet?

My Son and His Son

When you remember your father, your husband, your brother, your grandfather, your uncle, your cousin, your son, or your friend, remember that Love reigns today! We are celebrating our Love of Fathers. We have created this day to celebrate our Love. Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

I need to say this to myself: "Happy Father's Day!" I also want to extend this sentiment to all the other mothers out there who filled two roles raising a child. I was both mother and father to my son. I used to celebrate both days for myself, but then I began to feel a little embarrassed. I stopped doing it when that self-consciousness set in. I didn't want everything to always be about Me.

Everything is not always about me. But, I must stop being in denial about my past. I was an unwed mother at age twenty. I chose to keep my child when others wanted me to get an abortion or give my son away to a good family. A good family was better than just me was what they meant. My son's pediatrician was one of those people. After my first year as a mother/father, he apologized to me. He also wrote a glowing recommendation letter for me two decades or more later when I thought I wanted to be a mentor for unwed mothers. I never followed through with that goal, but I really appreciated his kind words of support.

I was both mother and father. I gave birth, breast fed, and nurtured my son to the best of my ability. As he grew older, I got him involved in sports and other activities. I may not have been graceful in my efforts, and I made many mistakes. Some mistakes were huge! But, I tried. And I studied. And I read. And I attended classes and workshops. And I got therapy for me and for him..throughout our lives. I wanted to do the best job I could. Mostly, I wanted to dispel the theory that unwed mothers were not good enough to raise a healthy, productive child alone.

I also knew and recognized that having a father figure in my son's life was critical. So, I had boyfriends I loved and trusted who befriended him and spent time with him. I was and will always be grateful to them for their love and support. I made lots of mistakes, but I tried my best. I was a conscious parent. But, I came into the role with my own childhood pain. I was young and still needed to work through my issues. Unfortunately, I went through my pain and passed some of it onto my son. I will always regret those painful moments. I cannot say how sorry I am for those times.

But, I will never regret my decision to have my son. I loved him and taught him as best I could. I attended swim meets, baseball games, wrestling matches and football games. I sat alone in the bleachers in the cold with all the other fathers, and I didn't understand the game at all. I appreciate the patience they showed me when I asked lots of questions. It was a lonely time.

Happy Father's Day to Me! My son is a happily married, successful architect now, who owns his own home. I could not be a prouder parent if I tried. He is a good man. The mother/single woman in me taught him how to relate to women. I tried to give advice to him through the years from both a female and a male perspective as best I could. It was not easy, but I did it. I must take credit for it. For Me. I am proud of the job I did. I am grateful for the opportunity to be part of the life of the incredible person my son is. I am a proud parent. And, I am proud of my Self. I did it! I raised a good kid. I raised a great man. I deserve to celebrate both days. Just sayin'...

Lest I forget, I also want to thank my loving and supportive family, and my friends. Without their support and help, I could not have been a successful parent at all. Thank you all. I love you.

Vows to My Self

How does one keep vows to oneself? Is it a matter of self love or self respect? Is it motivation? What is it? Why is it easier to keep promises made to another than to one self?

These are nagging questions that have not diminished with age. I remain disturbed by this fact. For me, the idea is greater than the action required to achieve the idea. I want to; I just don't. I do for a little while, and then I stop. I am easily swayed. I am vulnerable. I see these things as weakness, and then I feel badly: about my self, my resolve; my abilities. Then, I get out the "big stick"...

The stick really doesn't work on me. I know this. I try being patient and loving with my self. My thoughts turn to "I am lazy", rather than something more positive instead. Mind over matter.

I saw an add for hypnotherapy to deal with weight loss and a healthy lifestyle including exercise. I need this, but I feel silly getting hypnotized for these things. Hypnosis is for quitting smoking, right?

Our thoughts limit us. My thoughts turn to limits first. I am limited by my thoughts. I am a limitless being limiting my Self. I must stop. I am greater than these little thoughts that have big repercussions. So, what is holding me back? I am turning sixty-six, and I am still wrestling with the same demons of my youth. The core demons. It's time to vanquish them. But what will it take to accomplish their demise? What will it take?

Restart

After smudging for the first time.

Our trip to Japan made an impression and changed a part of me, hopefully, forever. I learned a few things:

1. I will take Self-Love to heart once and for all. I will begin my morning by looking in the mirror and bowing to myself to honor my Spirit and give myself the respect I always try to offer to others.
2. I will take the time to prepare healthy foods. I learned to love breakfast Japanese-style. This past weekend I made Miso soup with vegetables, and  roasted a big pan of vegetables to eat this week. This morning, I ate some soup, roasted vegetables, smoked salmon and a spear of fresh pineapple. It was a delicious new way to begin the day. I will practice more hydration consciousness too.
3. I forced myself to drop into my local gym and say hello to my trainer. I have an appointment this afternoon. I have not exercised, except yard work, for two months. All the toning in my arms to eliminate my "bat wings" is gone. I don't like seeing those wings. They make me feel older than I feel inside. I am back on that wagon.
4. My sister invited me to join her and our friend in doing "The Five Tibetan Rites": a 2,500-year-old group of exercises/poses purported to result in more vitality and good health. I just searched for it, and will investigate further. My goal is to make an appointment with myself each day (when I don't go to the gym for weight-lifting with my trainer), that I will put in my calendar, go down to my family room, light a candle and exercise in some form to music. I will also try to walk at least 3,000 steps each day while carrying my step counter. I was inspired once again by our Japanese friend, who is 85-years-old and does this every day.
5. I will take at least ten minutes each day to just sit quietly and be still.
   
6. I will begin to purge/eliminate our voluminous myriad of "stuff". I now have two friends who succeeded in ridding their lives of all the stuff, and downsized. This downsizing keeps coming up for me/us, so I want to work in that direction for when we decide to do the same: downsize our lives. Less is more. Less feels lighter. Less stuff=less stress. I will order the book, "the life-changing magic of tidying up" by Marie Kondo. Interestingly, she is Japanese, and has a new philosophy to approaching the purge. I will start with this book and move forward. 

My guiding "planet"

I love Irises

The Universe is just awesome! It brings us what we need just when we need it. I am much too hard on myself. My ultimate goal is to practice Patience with my Self, and once again take things one step at a time. I tend to barge on through, and get overwhelmed. Enough already. I love me, and it's time to show Me some of the Love. Actions speak louder than words, right? Don't wish me luck, just say, "You can do this! Just do it, Kathy." Okay. Thanks. I Love you.

What is my favorite event of the week?

It's Friday, and I am at the lake house in Gilbert, South Carolina. I decided a good exercise is to ask my Self at the end of each week, "What was your favorite event/moment/happening this week?"

Jackson and Mattie Grace

Without thinking too much about it, I walked two miles every day. This particular loop I take with my two little dogs, Jackson and Mattie Grace, involves walking up and down three steep hills. The roads are mostly dirt, with lots of rocks and divots to be aware of to prevent ankle twisting. I concentrated on pumping up each hill and being careful walking down. My right knee sometimes gives out on me unexpectedly, so I am conscious of the stress I put on it; on both my knees. I am overweight, so I pay attention to how my knees are feeling on the downhill sides especially.

When I pumped up hill, I had to stop at least once on the steepest hill. My heart felt like it would pound out of my chest, and I was breathing much too hard. I tried concentrating on deep inhales through my nose and deep exhales through my mouth. I noticed that when I breathed heavily and quickly as my body wanted to, in and out of my mouth, my mouth and throat got very dry, and my heart pounded faster. Consciously slowing down my breathing helped slow down my heart. I felt in control and powerful.

I also concentrated on walking through my entire foot: heel to toe. There is a machine my trainer makes me use at the gym in Tiverton, Rhode Island that requires me to lift a heavy weight with just my toes by pushing through with my calves. I think about this exercise as I push off with my toe to land on the other heel. I listen to my calves as I do this to see how they feel. I have to be careful not to extend my legs, especially my right leg, too straight because my knee can falter. I am also aware of this knee issue as I carefully walk downhill.

A springtime walk last year.

I noticed that some days I had more energy than others. I thought I would gain more energy as the week progressed, but noticed that yesterday, I got very tired. I'm not sure what that was about, but I will continue to pay attention to it.

I know I am overweight, and I eat healthily for the most part. But, I snacked too much this week. I will pay more attention to why I need to snack. Fruit just didn't cut it. I needed a vanilla Oreo. Just one was enough. I love peanut butter-filled prezels. Oh gawd, they are good... and salty. They are my crack. I will pay attention to this craving also.I know more protein is supposed to calm sweet/salty cravings, but what if I like them? These cravings are psychological, and I will continue to pay attention to the whys and wherefores of this as I move forward.

It's Superbowl weekend, and we are Patriots fans. We are in the south and the only Pats fans we know, but we are hosting a party nonetheless. I plan to cook chili. If our nephews come, I'll also have hot dogs. Chips/salsa and crudites. I plan to include healthy-as-I-can foods and not together. I believe in choices, especially while I'm figuring all this healthy lifestyle out for myself. A healthy lifestyle is a process. I have to keep reminding myself of this process to prevent Me from beating my Self up.


What was your favorite event of the week?