The Grass Is Always Greener

I hate getting in a funk. It's just so debilitating. I keep trying to control events in my life only to be reminded once again that I am not in control. I react out of desperation driven by that need to control, and never get the results I think I will get from that action. Head against brick wall again and again. Ouch. My head hurts.I can't function. I am depressed. I can't sleep.

I sit in the rainy albeit warmer weather of our lake house in South Carolina wishing I were closer to my family in cold and snowy Massachusetts. I miss my life in Rhode Island: my new friends, the gym and the chorus. I was happy and I walked away from it thinking I could hurry up and get the lake house sold so I can focus on one life and not be pulled in multiple directions. I feel foolish. When will I learn? Re-acting out of desperation never works out.

I became worried over money in the long-term. Worried about our future. Worried if we will have enough to survive on for as long as we live however long that is. So, I thought I could come down here to kick-start off-loading property I feel stuck with to downsize and simplify our life. I thought this property would be easy to sell first. Property sales are not moving no matter where we live or own. I do feel stuck, and I'm a little scared. But, something has to move. Stuck energy is never a good thing.

Our resources are being slowly drained over time paying property taxes and utilities in multiple locations, and I worry it won't last. We are healthy and stand a very good chance to live a long time. My worry over our long-term finances makes me want to be unhealthy so I can relax and enjoy what we have now and not worry about the future. I won't live as long that way, and it is sure to last. What kind of sick thinking is that? It is where my head is at right now. I see other people living just this way. I don't want to be one of them, but I am leaning in that direction out of worry for the future. "Be here now", Ram Dass preached. Live in the "Now", Eckhart Tolle writes. "Some days are diamonds, some days are stone," sang John Denver. He was right.

Sail Boat at night on Rte. 378

I am blessed. I know I am. I see my friends pine over their troubles on Facebook, and realize I have it better than many. I see what's happening to family and friends all over and know I am doing well. Why, then, do I envy them? Big Brother Bob Emery's theme song keeps coming into my head:

The grass is always greener
in the other fellow's yard.
The little row
we have to hoe,
Oh boy that's hard.
But if we all could wear
green glasses now,
it wouldn't be so hard
to see how green the grass is
in our own back yard.

Bobby McFerrin sings, "Don't worry; be happy." I'm not happy right now; I'm frustrated and worried. Breathe. Just breathe. Be quiet. Just sit. My ass hurts.