Another "road less travelled".

 It occurred to me during my long walk the other day, how easily negative thinking can take hold. I can be upbeat and happy one day; down and depressed the very next day. Sometimes these darker feelings take a few days to build before I realize I'm caught in their net. I'm not a psycho, I"m just in a life transition with no clear path foward. It's ok. I'm just trying to relax into it and see where it leads.

These feelings surface as a result of old internal scars I carry, just like everyone else. The scars result from emotional and psychological injuries experienced, one at a time, over the course of my life. During my youth, I barely acknowledged my injuries: sloughing them off trying to be the "tough Yankee", just like my grandmother. "Don't cry", "Don't be a baby", "Toughen up", "Shake it off".

As I grew older, I began to question the validity of this philosophy. I didn't see my grandmother as a particularly happy person, but I decided long ago that I would be. I also realized that every choice I made in life fell into two categories: will it make me happy or miserable? If the latter, I tried to choose differently. I had a child alone because his father was a miserable person: very nice, but very unhappy and angry. I asked him to marry me because it was expected. When he said, "No", I was very relieved. I really didn't want to marry him.

I bought a house alone, with the help of a generous benefactor friend who I repaid over time, because I didn't believe I would meet someone in time to buy one with a husband. I had a house in mind, and the timing was right, so I just jumped in with both feet, like  I usually do with risk. The house I wanted in Newton was not the house I ended up buying because the owner wouldn't sell it to me for the price I wanted to pay. I was much happier with the house I bought in Natick anyway. It was a great choice, and now my sister is enjoying it. It became an heirloom I didn't expect.

I know I am a different type of person from anyone else in my family. Acquaintances think being different means creating a role-model image for others to follow; breaking the ice so others can see a new path as being possible. I agree with these ideas, but being different is also very painful and lonely. There are positives and negatives to any life choice. Achieving balance with these swings is very important to being happy, but developing a tough skin is even better protection. The problem is that I had an easier time with sloughing off criticism or humor at my expense years ago. I have a much harder time doing that now.

I spent much of my life fighting for whatever I wanted. I have high expectations of myself and others. Larry thinks this is the source of many of my problems. He's right to a certain extent. Having expectations only leads to disappointment. Some philosophers say one should strive to have no expectations of anyone or anything; therein lies true happiness. Once again, I think a balance between these two extremes needs to be struck. How can one move forward without some expectation of a positive result of one's actions?

Sometimes I feel like a flower being choked out by the weeds. But, regardless of the amount of weeds that grow up around me, I strive to bloom brightly nonetheless; grow taller than those who try to choke or suffocate me. In so doing, I become stronger and brighter, but those efforts are not achieved without their own kind of pain. My mother used to say, "You can't be beautiful without a little pain" (or something to that affect). And then there's always, "No pain; no gain".

I don't believe in the power of pain. I believe if things are meant to be, they should be painlessly acquired. I have experienced this painless happiness many times, so I know "I'm not just blowin' smoke out my ass." My mother-in-law above all else taught me the power of our minds. She had a condition called, Conversion Disorder. I witnessed the power of the dark side on her when her condition caused medical symptoms that fooled even the professionals. But watching her pain also made me realize this power could be harnessed toward the Light. Following this latter path is much more difficult, but I have to believe it will be much more fulfilling as well. This is the road I travel. Hope I see you along the way.