Aging and Women's Rights

Mom, Aunt Jean, me and Gummy

Today is Gloria Steinem's 80th birthday. I remember my grandmother's 80th birthday. These women looked nothing alike at the same age. Of course, Gloria never married and never had children. She cared for her aging mother in a working class home until she died. Her parents divorced and she viewed marriage as a woman being a smaller part of a man.She wanted to be larger. It was 1956. After Smith College, she became a political activist; helped create New York Magazine and Ms. magazine, and has traveled extensively. She continues to be an activist and travel today. Activism IS her life. She looks older, but is now held up as the role model for women turning 80. She looks great and is still very productive; she looks like she has a lot of energy.

Gummy lived a hard, working-class life: working in a bowling ball factory during WWII; married a hard-working, hard-drinking man, and raised four children. She was a very religious woman and held strong, rigid opinions. She was born and died in the same house and never traveled farther than Boston for her honeymoon. She was an ardent Red Sox fan. When she was older, she babysat for other people's children until she couldn't do it any longer.

Both women had breast cancer. Gloria survived; Gummy didn't. I don't know if Gloria is happy. Truly happy. I don't think Gummy was a very happy person in general. I'm sure she had happy moments though. Many happy moments.

As I approach turning 65, I find myself reflecting a lot about my choices in life. I tested life's boundaries in my adulthood, raised a son alone, bought a house alone, ran for political office virtually alone as election day came, and married for the first time at 51. I am very healthy and a happy person. I still wrestle with demons from my past, but, except for moments here and there, they don't control me overall. I always said I didn't have money to risk at the gambling tables, so I risked at life.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say about making these comparisons, except that life was harder for my grandmother, than it was for Gloria. Of course, their priorities were different as was their struggle. My grandmother was just as strong a women as Gloria, and I think I attribute some of my inherited strength from Gummy and from my mother. My mother also had a hard life, but I think she found her own happiness along the way. Music was as big a respite for her as it is for me. Life was harder for women in the 1920's, 30's, 40's and 50's.

In my family, women had to work at a job outside the home to help support the family as well as be the homemaker. Politics were against women at every turn. They had no rights. There was zero equality with men. In the 1960's, all that began to change. And, Gloria helped define that change. She was a pioneer for change. She helped pave the way for more freedoms for women beyond the vote. Many women suffered and died to get men to grant the right to vote to women, and I never take that right for granted. But, Gloria began the fight for equal rights in the workplace: "equal pay for equal work". There is more work to be done here because women still do not receive equal pay compared to men, but she began the fight to break that "glass ceiling".

I learned in my own life, and I credit learning it from my mother and grandmother as well as the pioneering women in the news, that women do indeed "have a set". Our "set" is just hidden, as is our ability to achieve sexual satisfaction. It is buried and requires more work to achieve satisfaction. Men's lives are mostly defined by their penises: bigger equals more power. Their identity and their power is mostly defined by their work, their pay, their trucks, their guns, the amount they eat or the number of women they screw. Women tend to comment about men who brag about the size of their house or the things they own or do above as, "overcompensating for having a tiny penis."

I am being very crass here, I know. And, I know that not all men fit into the mold described above. There are always exceptions to every rule. I appreciate that. I married one of those exceptions, and am very grateful for him. But I had to wait fifty-one years to find him. And,a good friend had to die for him to be available. I raised a son who is one of those exceptions, but I know he is not without his own scars. I was finding my own "center", and he came along without having a choice in the matter. But, he grew up to be a really good, hard-working, conscious, articulate; intelligent and sensitive man, husband and provider in spite of me. I couldn't be prouder of him. But I do regret some of the things I did to him along the way, and some of the situations I put him through to find myself. I cannot undo the past, but I try to help heal some of the pain I inflicted now that I have "new eyes" with which to see the past, and new perspective with which to understand what and why I did what I did. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I was an unwed mother at age 20. In 1970, there was no support for this life choice. My family and friends were a great support system, but not every young woman has that kind of loving support. When I gave birth, I wore a gold band given to me by a woman friend at work, and took birthing classes as my father's wife. "Mrs. Paul Crowley" is the name on my birthing-class graduation certificate from Newton Wellesley Hospital. In the labor room, my father and sister, Margie, were made to leave, and I was alone with masked nurses and doctors who took my one request away from me: to allow me to watch my baby's birth in a mirror they set up. I called my family with the news from a wall phone a masked nurse handed me in the delivery room as I watched my as yet unwashed newborn stick his tongue out at me, making me laugh. I had always been a parent as the oldest of twelve, Irish-Catholic children, but when tears ran down my cheeks with happiness at the sight of my beautiful new son, I had no idea what all I was in for as an unwed, single mother and woman.

There are many more men out there who do fit into the mold I described above. Sadly, I dated a lot of them. Because, also sadly (and not much has changed in this day and age), girls and women like "the bad boys". My desire to be treated badly by "bad boys" came from low self-esteem. I'm sure this is true for everyone. But even with low self-esteem, the desire to fight for one's rights in this society is tied to something else entirely. The fight for rights comes from a desire more primal than low self-esteem, it comes from the need to survive.

The fight for survival is as primal as they come. And, women fought to survive in a male-dominated world, just as we continue to fight in that same world today. Women have many more rights than we did in the days of our mothers and grandmothers, even during my earlier years. But, we remain unequal in a society still dominated by testosterone. More estrogen needs to be injected in the human society, and not just in the United States.

I believe that when the human society of our world achieves complete balance of (fe)male, then we will have World Peace. Thank you, Gloria, and all your brave friends, who paved the way for the women of the "baby boom" age and for all those going forward. Without your courage and conviction to set an example of what is possible, we would not have role models "out there" to show us what we can achieve.

Thank you most of all to my mother, Ellie, and to Gummy for demonstrating what quiet strength is through and in our family life. Without you both, your daughters and granddaughters would be lost completely. I love and miss you both terribly, especially when I don't feel good.

Bear Has Cancer

My Friend, and one of my Loves, Bear, got cancer. Bummer. He is 60, and from North Haven, ME. He lives with his beautiful wife and my good Friend/Sistah, Pat. I assume they still have dogs; maybe cats too. It's been many years since Larry and I visited them at there home in Somerville, ME. Bear and Pat are mostly dealing with his disease and its treatments alone.

I was Primary Caretaker for my Mother and my Sister-In-Law. Caretaker is a hard, challenging, emotionally Sacred, painful Joy. I am blessed to have been of service to my Beloved. I would do it again if needed.

It is in my old Boyfriend, Bear. I call him Bear. Pat calls him Arthur. Pat and Bear attended my wedding to Larry twelve years ago, and drove to MA to attend my 60th birthday party. I met Bear in about 1983. They are Family to Me. I met his two children. I knew his ex-wife. I brought fancy sipping booze to the Island for Margie, Bear's Mother, to share on Her front porch in Her fancy, little glasses. We have History. All of Us. It's all good.

The week after Thanksgiving, I will visit Bear at Dana Farber (DF)  in Boston. He will live in DF-affiliated discounted housing because he lives forty miles or more from treatment. Pat can be with him as much as she can. She weighs being Superintendent of Schools in ME, and care of her animals and property. They are good, hard-working people, and I love them dearly. That they are now challenged by all that comes with Cancer, pains my heart. They need my help, and I am happy to be there for Them. We will work out what support I can provide. He will be there over the coming Holiday Season! Does that suck or what???!!!

We hope for some limited Family support in ME for Bear in Boston. Let's see what God and The Universe have in store for us in the coming months to the New Year. This Time is an opportunity to experience the true meaning of the Season: Love. Service. Joy. Satisfaction. Contribution, and Compassion. But most of all, Love. I do it for Love. That's it.

WindSync

My neighbor and friend, Nancy, has been talking about a brilliant wind ensemble called WindSync for a couple of years now. Every time they play locally, we are not in town. Last night, I was and went to Bristol, RI for one of their concerts. They are currently on a fourteen-day tour, culminating in a performance at Carnegie Hall on November 19th. The bassoonist of the group is her daughter's best friend.

Her husband, Mike, also invited a friend and colleague, Glenn, who plays harpsichord in their baroque musical trio, The Greybeards. I met Glenn for the first time last night, and he echoed about Mike what I just said about Nancy, "He's been talking about this group for years!" He had also never heard them play. We all had the pleasure of meeting a lovely family from Illinois, whose son, Tim, just got married and landed a great job teaching at Roger Williams University. They were visiting their son, and were just looking for something to do last night. They saw the sign in front of St. Michael's church, and listened to a few You-Tube numbers by Wind Sync. So, they decided to pop into the concert. Before the performance, we all had a lovely time sharing our stories and getting to know one another, in as much as one can get to know another in the course of an evening, of course.

Wind Sync was invited to play after performing in Tiverton last year. They were introduced by Sandy, Chair of the Community Concert Series at the church, and a good friend of our choral director, The Greater Tiverton Community Chorus, in which Nancy and I sing. Sandy made a point of describing the group as very young, "None of them look older than seventeen!" But assured us they were very professional.

Soon, the performance began with an introduction by Tracy, the Bassoonist. Her short speach was articulate and confident with a twist of humor. She joined the other four, and began to play "Wind Quintet in E-Flat Major, Op. 88, No3" by Anton Reicha (1770-1836). The next number was "Quintet for Winds, No. 3 (1999) by David Masianska (b. 1943), described as a modern composer and one of their favorites. It was by far my favorite movement. Their playing was fluid and mature, and they moved their bodies as they played, leading me to do the same. The group had wonderful rapport with one another, and their sound blended beautifully to completely fill the accoustic space. It was a magical performance. We were all just wowed by it.

The second half contained four pieces that most of us recognized. "Bolero" by Maurice Ravel (1875-1937) was beautiful rearranged by WindSync (I heard Tracy being given credit). Each member took turns playing the snare drum as they also each in turn played multiple versions of their instruments: more than one flute, oboe and clarinet. The bassoonist also play the saxaphone. It was a wonderful performance.

My other favorite besides "Bolero" was their most performed number, "Peter and the Wolf, Op. 67" by Sergei Prokofiev (1891-1953), excerpted for wind quartet. For this performance, each member dawned the minimal costume of woodland creatures and the grandfather: the cat had ears and a tail, the duck had a bill on her head and a call around her neck, and wolf wore a mask, and the bird had a feathery mask on his head and a pink feathery boa around his neck. Grandfather wore a hat and a large beard. The horn player narrated the story, and also played the wolf. The ensemble danced around the stage and into the audience, engaging us in a very interactive performance. It was energetic, very entertaining, and beautifully played. The reason this was my favorite is because when my son was very young (he was a latch-key kid at six years old), he played his 78rpm LP of "Peter and the Wolf" to keep himself entertained and company while I worked. He loved this record and this song always reminds me of him, even if my heart aches a little each time I think of those days.

They replaced "Histoire du Tango", with their arrangement of Billy Joel's, "And So It Goes". Here we discovered that not only do these very talented young musicians play their instruments expertly and beautifully, they can also sing! This rendition was accapella and beautifully harmonized. Needless to say, at the end of the night, everyone jumped to their feet to give a rousing standing ovation. It was one of the best concerts I have heard in a long time. I bought their first CD and asked each to autograph it. I really enjoyed supporting their tour and their careers, just a little.

If you get a chance to see WindSync (check out their web site for their very full schedule), or are near Carnegie Hall on November 19th (I sent Billy Joel a message about it on Facebook, hoping he'll attend -- why not?), I highly recommend paying for a ticket. You will be very happy you did. Enjoy.

Our State Fair

After being sick with a cold all week and watching the SC State Fair coverage on local news, we decided to spend Saturday there. The Temptations were going to be in concert at 7:00pm, but we went too early, and I couldn't wait that late to see them. We were done at 5. I have never been to a State Fair, and Larry couldn't believe it has been over fifty years since he attended one. The theme song from Roger and Hammerstein's 1962 movie, State Fair, starring Pat Boone, my childhood idol, plays in my head every time I think about the fair. I was excited.

We arrived and all we could see were food stands. We decided to get a chicken in a pita sandwich before meandering around the grounds to get the lay of the land. We wandered first through the kiddie rides then onto the horror houses and houses of glass and many other kinds onto the rides that make you puke. There were three different kinds of Ferris wheels and we went on one as it started to sprinkle. Rain clouds hung overhead, threatening us most of the afternoon. We rode in a sky chair to see the grounds from on high, and lastly rode on one of my all-time favorites, The Matterhorn.

We wandered through all the connected exhibit buildings displaying the multitude of contestant entries vying for a ribbon in baking of everything you can think of, handicrafts and woodworking. Christian politics were there too. "Did you get your word of God yet?" the woman asked as she handed me a pocket-size New Testament. "No, thank you", I replied and moved on sliding the little book in my back jeans pocket. The anti-abortionists were there with their little plastic fetus displays and in another booth, a Christian man was intensely counseling someone. There were lots of commercial exhibits and demonstrations, but my favorite was the sand sculpture of a dragon surrounding his claimed castle. The detail of this sculpture was incredible.

We stopped on the way to the animals to listen to some "Mountain Music" by Jeff Robbins, who made his own banjos out of dogwood and a fruitcake box of his mother's. He was talented, fun and told great stories. Then we walked by a pretty blond woman who looked like she did standing Yoga poses while her little white poodle jumped over her bent legs on command.

We finally made it to the animal area and walked through the poultry house first. Every kind of duck, rooster, chicken and goose was on display. There were some very pretty and handsome specimens of every shape, size and color; squawking and cocka-doodle-dooing. The smell was very hen-house. A woman stopped to explain to us about the origins of a champion goose we stopped to admire. It was the largest goose I had ever seen. And, of course, in Gamecock Country, there was also a real cock.

We learned that showing prize goats is much like showing dogs at the Westminster Kennel Club; posing them with the handler placing their legs just so to be judged. We watched young people on horseback compete for ribbons, and just had to go see some beautiful specimens. We ended up in the cattle house and watched young people compete their prized cattle for that blue ribbon. The animals were so calm and seemed trained to perform on command

Walking through the stall areas for various farms showing their prized animals was really fun. The smell was not, and accidentally stepping in "paddula", as Larry kept calling the cattle shit I found on my shoe in the car after we left because I kept smelling it after we drove away, was not either. But I admired the animals and the care I saw of cowboys and farmers gently brushing each one to spiffy it up for sale. There were thank you signs to the buyers of their cattle stating the thousands they paid, and one that held a warning to anyone thinking it was okay to walk up to the ass end of a large bull, "Hugo will kick".

Lastly, I wanted to ride on the back of an elephant. Don't ask me why. I was at the State Fair! It was there, and I could. So I paid my six dollars and climbed on Fazzle's back, a female from India, who began our ride by laying a huge, loud fart which required shovelling, and a huge piss that loudly rained on the asphault before we walked onward. I loved it.

We had a great time at the fair, and were exhausted when we were done. It was time to head to the Liberty Tap and Grille in The Vista where we enjoyed a dark ale from Belgium (8.5%!), and I had shrimp and grits. It was delicious. Lastly, a high school was hosting a formal dance, so we were treated to a fashion show of dozens of young women and men dressed formally in all the bling and sparkle the females could muster and very handsome bow ties with white shirts on the young men. I complimented the table of youngsters closest to us and left them smiling with a, "Have fun!"

Now we're home watching the sixth ALCS game at Fenway park on television, yelling "Go Red Sox" at the TV and posting it on Facebook. I love social media!

Hope Walks 2013

Sistahs: Colleen, Margie, Karen, Jeanne and Me

My sister, Karen, signed up for this walk in honor of her sister-in-law, Diana. Diana is also a friend of mine from high school and our neighborhood of Newton Upper Falls, MA. Team Diana was created for Hope Walks 2013. Newton Wellesley Hospital has been our family hospital for generations: my grandmother, mother, me and my son were all born there. Many of life's major medical events landed there, and I was happy to help out their Vernon Cancer Center. Dr. Jim Vernon began the center, and lost his wife to cancer a year later. He was on-hand to welcome walkers and received a standing ovation. My sister, Karen, told me he did all her cancer surgeries, and she just loves him.

So may people I did not expect showed up to walk in Team Diana. Her children and many friends came. Her mother, who I never met, was there with her husband. "Hi, I'm Kathy", I said to him. "I'm Clay. So what?" I loved him right away.  Friends I haven't seen in years were there, and it was like a mini-"old home week". What a wonderful experience.

Diana's sons: Travis and Adam and daughter-in-law (sorry I forget her name.)

The walk totalled 3.5 miles and was very well organized. Whole Foods provided bananas and apples free to walkers. I got inroduced to "Hint" water"a lightly flavored water I liked, but my sister, Margie, didn't. She likes more flavor.  There were tables with lots of information and an inflatable colon with examples of benign and malignant polyps. It was actually interesting. They fed us lunch after the walk and provided water along the way. At the turn-around point, my sister, Jeanne (also a cancer survivor), spotted a single Port-o-John at the end of a driveway in front of a house on Commonwealth Ave. We decided it was a private potty, but we used it anyway. Soon, walkers lined up behind us. We felt badly about this, but the owner moved his car and didn't tell us not to use it. Thank you, whoever you are!

Diana's mother and step-father

My hips stiffened up quite a bit and I had sharp pain on the ball of my left foot. I wore Moleskin, but it didn't help. I sucked it up, reminding myself of everything Diana and my sisters, mother and grandmother and many others went through with their cancer treatments, and felt grateful for my good health. So what if I stiffened up and limped a little. I can get over that! "Shut up and keep up," I told myself. I was happy when we got to the lunch line and to sit for a while. It was a beautiful day, and I was grateful for that too.

Seeing old friends and reconnecting with family, especially while helping a good cause, is a wonderful feeling. Thank you to everyone who donated on my behalf. You helped me raise $300! Our Team raised $5,425.00. Thank you so very much. I love you all.

A hot shower and a bit of stretching, and my legs were good as new. I decided I need new shoes though. :o)

Diana

Ted Bagley with Jeanne.

Sieze the Moment

One can never stop having adventures. That's my motto at least. Last Monday night, a lovely Nordhavn trawler named Shear Madness graced the waters outside our Tiverton home. We noticed her approach and then she moored in full view of our windows. The next morning, she was still there.We spied on her with binoculars, and saw a young man on deck before he disappeared below decks. Larry looked up the name online and we found an entire web site all about the owners, Kathy Clark and Bradley Rosenberg. They even have a blog!

I emailed them to let them know which house we were in, and wished them well on their voyages. Kathy and Bradley are sailing the world as a retirement lifestyle. How romantic! Kathy emailed me back and invited us to come say "Hi". I got very excited, and asked Larry if he wanted to go. He was open to the idea, but he is not comfortable in the water, so I saw trepidation on his face as well. I thought it would be a great idea to call our friends and neighbors to the north, Mike and Nancy. They are sailors and have lived aboard a sailboat for a time, sailing as crew between Miami and Bermuda. They both wanted to go too, so I tried to make a date with our potential new friends hanging out on the Sakonnet.

Kathy called me back when I told her we all wanted to visit and proposed a 7pm time Tuesday night. She suggested earlier might be better, so we didn't have to navigate rowing in currents in the dark. We planned to row a skiff out from our shore. I suggested immediately since I knew were were all home, so I called Nancy and asked if they could go right away. Mike was out doing errands, and Larry wasn't really keen on going, so Nancy and I went.

I met her on the beach in front of her house. She had life jackets, and together we pulled the little boat onto a trailer and launched it. She insisted on rowing out, so I was the navigator. We laughed at our folly all the way out to Shear Madness. It was pretty far! But Nancy did very well, and is one strong woman: the current was strong and winds caused waves we had to plow through. We just kept laughing.

Once we reached the boat, Kathy, Bradley and their hand, Tyler, met us. They held our boat while we climbed aboard, rinsed our feet after we removed our water shoes, and then entered their luxurious floating living room. What a boat! It was like something our of a movie. It had three decks, four bedrooms and five bathrooms. It carried 4,600 gallons of diesel fuel, travelling 1 mile a gallon, and had sixteen large batteries. They made their own fresh water from salt and had several large holding tanks for fresh and grey water. There was a washer and dryer aboard, a full-size galley with large refrigerator, and several freezers.

The living quarters were carpeted, and the comfortable furniture was quality: a full dining room table and chairs to seat at least eight. Leather furniture in the living room, and in the Pilot House was another watch berth. This bed is not for napping while on watch, though - that is absolutely forbidden! It's a place for a second person who is not on watch to sleep if they need to be close at hand, or to take a nap while they are at anchor (this phrasing was sent to me by Kathy as a correction to my original post. Thanks, Kathy).

Their navigation system was very sophisticated, and the controls looked like a gameboy. Bradley showed us how it all worked, and we were just wowed. They also had comfortable furniture on the upper deck and could navigate from that vantage point while basking in the open under a permanent canopy shade. There was a large motor boat for venturing ashore, two kayaks and an inflatable boogie board. They both were scuba divers, and must be in their fifties. Very active, and very nice people.

We enjoyed a glass of Prosecco while we visited for another hour before Nancy and I headed back to shore. Before leaving, though, Kathy announced that anybody who rowed to see them got a t-shirt. Really?  Yes, they had their own t-shirts made, and we were so happy we took a shot to meet these adventurers who welcomed us into their floating home and their lives. I've never done anything like this before, but was very happy I siezed the moment, and that my friend was willing to share it with me. Life is very good.

Red 2

What's better than watching a very classy Helen Mirren wielding a gun like she was born to do it? She can do anything as an actor. I just love watching her. This movie had me laughing out loud. Several times. It was funny with great explosions and special effects. The drama was good and the twists intelligent. We really liked it and found it incredibly entertaining.

The talented cast highlighted a credit list of seemingly hundreds of stunt people, drivers and many others; filming in Canada, Paris, Hong Kong, Moscow and the US. There is a company called, "Pixel Liberation Front". Really.

This is a story about an operative named Frank, played by the incomparable Bruce Willis,  who tries to retire and live a normal, albeit boring, life with his girlfriend, Sarah, played by Mary Louise Parker. Watching Mary Louise play a bored, silly ninny turned make-out queen killer was really fun. I just love her. She really came into herself as an actor in the Showtime TV series, Weeds. John Malkovich played the most normal role I've seen him portray in a while as Frank's best friend, Marvin. Marvin fakes his own death and shows up to save Frank's ass, pissing his friend off and taking us on the beginning of a wild ride.

Anthony Hopkins was magnificent as the genius Dr. Bailey, locked up by England's MI6 in an insane asylum prison for thirty-two years for inventing the ultimate nuclear bomb, then hiding it under the Kremlin. The US wants it, the Kremlin wants it and Iran wants it. But who will end up with it in the end? Getting there is half the fun. All the aged agents are brought back together to find the bomb and settle old scores. There's great fighting, especially from Byung-hun Lee as Han, who played "the best contract killer in the world". Plus, he's a real hotty. Go see this entertaining and exciting movie. It's worth the ride and you'll get a few laughs out of it to boot.